Now, the chances of either of these young men giving me a flower on a date (they were both probably technically first dates) were very, very slim, but that didn't stop me from playing it out in my mind.
After the dates were over, my imagination was even worse. Over and over I thought about what I should've done differently: shoulda made that joke, shoulda gone for the handshake, shoulda said that compliment, why didn't I think of any of this at the time?
And this is so very typical of me. I'll spend weeks reconstructing social scenes in my head.
One thing I've learned, though, is that whenever I imagine ('daydream' is another acceptable word, I suppose, but it makes me sound so girlish) then that thing will not occur. I knew the moment I thought, "Oh, maybe he'll bring me flowers" that no way would he/they bring me flowers (which, might I add, was totally okay). Every scenario I imagined for one of my missionaries' homecomings turned out totally different from what actually happened. Without fail, that's what happens.
I just found this in my LJ, from last fall when I was vacillating in my affections for someone (clearly, this was one of the higher times). One of my imaginings that, surprise of surprises, didn't happen. Never even came close. Except for the weather really making me think dangerous thoughts like that (it was halfway through November and people were wearing shorts).
"This weather," she said, "makes me think dangerous thoughts."
"Dangerous thoughts?" he repeated, his eyebrows going up. "Like what?"
"Dangerous thoughts about doing dangerous things," she clarified, smirking up at him. They stood where they always did, postponing their inevitable journeys in separate directions. Students scurried around them unheeding.
"Your powers of description never cease to amaze me," he said, grinning, but a little blinded by the morning sun to look at her full on. "Care to expound a little more?"
"Things that I would never do, but that this weather makes me want to do."
"Like ...?" He gestured her on.
She kept silent, looking down and blushing a little. She wasn't going to say the sort of things her mind came up with while walking down the sunny path between classes.
"Oh, come on. It can't be anything too bad."
"No, it's really not," she admitted. "Okay. Why don't I show you? See if this weather can actually make me do something."
She took off her backpack and left it beside him, then ventured out a little bit into the crowd of students. He could see her brow furrowed as she scanned those that passed, but whatever it was she wanted to do wasn't clear to him. Finally, she ran back to him.
"Chickened out?" he started to say, but didn't quite make it. Her lips had covered his, firmly but briefly. She pulled away, blushing brightly and giggling nervously. Too quickly for him to recover, she grabbed her backpack and ran away.
Oh, so cute. Picture this on the sidewalk that runs past the SWKT and the Clark building, where it branches off toward the MARB, and you'll have it just the way it occurred in my head. Multiple times. Like the way I've practiced offering my hand to shake, oh, probably 10 times in the last few weeks.
Someday I'll learn that perfecting a scene after the fact doesn't improve the way it really happened, and that daydreaming is not worthwhile, and, if I'm really lucky, that real life is better than I could imagine anyway.
"Momentum" ~ Vienna Teng
[This is one of my favorite lyrics, and I was so pleased when I realized I had a post to go with it.]
3 comments:
Did you actually kiss him? Or is that something you wanted to?
Also, why go for the handshake? Why think of doing that? That's only for really bad dates. And flowers on the first date send all sorts of signals, unless you're very very good friends with the person.
1) No, it was just a slightly more involved daydream than usual, and I wrote it down when I felt it (this was last November) and copied it here to show just how out-of-control my daydreams can get. I didn't even tell the guy that the weather made me think dangerous thoughts. Or maybe I did, but left it at that. In real life I would never be so forward.
2) Well, both dates ended without any physical contact at all, and probably a handshake would've been better than that. Sometimes I like handshakes.
3) Yeah, I wasn't hoping they'd give me flowers, just started thinking "What if..." and it snowballed from there. I spent way too long trying to figure out what I would say to defuse the situation (oh, it could have been so awkward...er than it was).
That said, both of these guys are people I've known for a very long time, and I think we know each other well enough that if they harbored any romantic intentions they wanted to make clear, they could have done so with flowers. Kinda glad it didn't happen, though (as I knew it wouldn't as soon as I started thinking "what if...").
2: That's sort of lame. But as they probably don't have romantic intentions, it doesn't matter too much?
For the rest, it seems your imagination got away from you. It does that to me as well.
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