Thursday, April 29, 2010

let go of this when you find her

Remember my last post where I got all possessive?

I've been cured! Mostly! By the solution which I already knew:

I talked to her. We had a nice little conversation and I decided it was cute instead of annoying when, after he got to class and was sitting by her, he asked her a question that was so ... like the kind of question you ask someone when you're thinking of starting to like them. (Or you already like them. I don't know; they don't talk to me about their feelings.)

Awww. I may have been guilty of rolling my eyes, but at least I didn't rip anything.

Now my heart's all jumpy imagining someone asking me that same question. Hahaha.

If I'd done what I should've done long ago (switch classes back so I was in their class), this wouldn't have been an issue. I would've been a way happier person in general. I don't know why I keep fighting against these things until it's too late to do me any good.

Someday I'll learn.

"Kansas" ~ Vienna Teng

Sunday, April 25, 2010

this feeling calls for

Last weekend I had an insight that has made me reflect on my emotions more analytically (which, as a person that is frightened of feelings, has been great).

I was in Relief Society (probably) and for some reason was feeling really sorry for myself. I felt my heart curl tightly in on itself, self-piteously.

Then that night was a really great fireside. I felt the Spirit, felt emboldened to do better, and my heart expanded in love for myself and my fellow man, and God who blesses me with so many things. I thought, "This is great!"

But after the fireside, during refreshments, he was talking to her. I don't even care that he doesn't talk to me, but does he have to talk to her? She's the only one he ever talks to; she monopolizes him. I talked to my friends and had a nice time, but I glanced over every once in a while and once he was laughing. How could she possibly be funny enough to make him laugh?

Obviously, my jealous/possessive side was coming out. It does that, embarrassingly, even with people that I don't really care about. If I feel I have a prior claim of any kind (in this case, it was ... a neighborly claim) then other claims have to somehow clear it with me. It's so stupid.

Anyway, every time I looked over there my heart would do the tiniest of clenches, hardening and dwelling on "Why her? Why not someone of my choosing?"

See where this is going?

Negative emotions like jealousy, self-pity, anger, are because my heart is turned in toward itself, toward me. I'm happier when I focus on others, and help them out, or feel the Spirit. Et cetera. So this week I've tried to pay attention to whether or not my heart is curling up, or blooming out.

How do I make myself less piteous, or jealous, or angry? By doing things that will make my heart expand.

The challenge, however, is to follow through.

"Stray Italian Greyhound"

Monday, April 12, 2010

no gringo aqui: you've stayed in this land for too long

Last week my family (minus the engaged one) went to Cancun, Mexico! Usually our vacations entail getting a motel in southern Utah and hiking around for a day, but we branched out for once this year. Here's a bit of into about what went on there...

...Cosmetically: The humidity and especially the sea air made my hair so unbelievably curly. On one occasion I took a shower and to blow dry my hair just sat outside on the balcony, where the breeze took care of it. Now that I'm back it's so sleek I can't do a thing with it. I also didn't wear any makeup on the whole trip. It wasn't nearly as bad as this makeup-free week but I was still looking forward to putting on some mascara for church on Sunday. No sunburn to speak of, except for the back of my legs from snorkeling. It ran in the family!

...Linguistically: Being surrounded by people that would talk Spanish to each other brought to the surface one of my bad habits: talking like them. I started saying "Si" all the time instead of "Yeah" or "Yes." And "Bueno". I always winced when I did it in front of the Mexicans, especially when they started talking to me in Spanish and I'd have to really stop for a second to figure out what they said -- I've never had a class. So that was embarrassing, but at least not as embarrassing as the time I slipped some twang into my speech in front of a Texan missionary at the LRC. Or maybe it was that embarrassing.

...Oceanically: We did spend some time in the ocean. At the hotel the red flags were almost always up so we couldn't get in the water there, but when we went snorkeling we were swimming ad nauseum. Mom and I both felt so sick at the end of that. But it was cool! You can see underwater! And one time we did get to go to the beach and get in the water. I was frightened of the undertow but the rest of the family sure had a blast in the waves. And the water was a really pretty blue.

...Excitingly: I'm not a ruins person. Too much walking in the bright sun (without sunglasses). But I do seem to be a ziplining person! But not a diving person. This whole 'I'm not into adventure' thing is nothing new.

...Gastronomically: We only had "typical" Mexican food twice and one of them was definitely made for tourists. After the first day touring ruins I was pretty much resigned to going hungry all week, but we didn't starve. I've definitely enjoyed being back in my house with a kitchen to make and eat food whenever I want, though. Another reason I'm not a big vacation person.

It was a good vacation, but I couldn't live that way, even if I did speak the language. How refreshing to find that out!

"No Gringo"

Thursday, April 1, 2010

trace all my books

The month of March started out really strong, but then I slowed down a lot. The reason for this is easily identified: we got a couple seasons of Doctor Who from the library. Those took my time instead of whatever books I would've read.

That said, I still read plenty this month. Observe:

30. The Best Bad Luck I ever Had by Kristin Levine
31. The Death-Defying Pepper Roux by Geraldine McCaughrean
32. Sword of Waters by Hilari Bell
33. The Genie Scheme by Kimberly K. Jones
34. Shield of Stars by Hilari Bell
35. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows
36. The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Perilous Journey by Trenton Lee Stewart
37. The World According to Bertie by Alexander McCall Smith
38. Green by Laura Peyton Roberts
39. Graceling by Kristin Cashore
40. The Lost Children by Carolyn Cohagan
41. The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley
42. A Conspiracy of Kings by Megan Whalen Turner
43. Hattie Big Sky by Kirby Larson
44. My One Hundred Adventures by Polly Horvath

I left off reading a couple books this month, too. One got taken back to the library and I didn't mind, and the other one was just really, really stupid. Oh, and another one I spent some time reading I'd read so many times that I felt no qualms about stopping when I found something else to read.

Also, now that we're done quarter of the year, let's look at some stats!

Total number of books: 44
Average number of books per month: 14.67
Number of Rereads (books I'd read before this year): 10
Number of First Time Reads: 34

Not bad! Have a nice day.