this feeling calls for

Last weekend I had an insight that has made me reflect on my emotions more analytically (which, as a person that is frightened of feelings, has been great).

I was in Relief Society (probably) and for some reason was feeling really sorry for myself. I felt my heart curl tightly in on itself, self-piteously.

Then that night was a really great fireside. I felt the Spirit, felt emboldened to do better, and my heart expanded in love for myself and my fellow man, and God who blesses me with so many things. I thought, "This is great!"

But after the fireside, during refreshments, he was talking to her. I don't even care that he doesn't talk to me, but does he have to talk to her? She's the only one he ever talks to; she monopolizes him. I talked to my friends and had a nice time, but I glanced over every once in a while and once he was laughing. How could she possibly be funny enough to make him laugh?

Obviously, my jealous/possessive side was coming out. It does that, embarrassingly, even with people that I don't really care about. If I feel I have a prior claim of any kind (in this case, it was ... a neighborly claim) then other claims have to somehow clear it with me. It's so stupid.

Anyway, every time I looked over there my heart would do the tiniest of clenches, hardening and dwelling on "Why her? Why not someone of my choosing?"

See where this is going?

Negative emotions like jealousy, self-pity, anger, are because my heart is turned in toward itself, toward me. I'm happier when I focus on others, and help them out, or feel the Spirit. Et cetera. So this week I've tried to pay attention to whether or not my heart is curling up, or blooming out.

How do I make myself less piteous, or jealous, or angry? By doing things that will make my heart expand.

The challenge, however, is to follow through.


"Stray Italian Greyhound"