she leaves the papers in a tidy pile

My yellow notebook has exactly one blank page left in it. I've had it for years -- since Fall Semester 2006, the earliest I can confirm a date. And there's approximately one page of class notes (half page from one class, half page from another a year or so later), besides the piano lesson comments.

I love it. I love leafing through it and feeling the memories.

The other night I had it with me (working on filling up those last few pages) and left it unattended on the floor, surrounded by children. I had a moment's worry when I realized that I'd placed it in danger of being seen, but I'm not ashamed of a single thing there!

Okay, maybe I am. But the secret things are written backward, so they're totally safe.

The notebook represents many hours of work. I could turn to a page and know exactly where I was when I was working on something -- physics class, one of the hillocks outside the MARB, a bench in the Tanner Building....

My favorite parts are the doodles and asides to myself. There's a little picture of a great grass elevator. "We need a strong base: sodium methoxide!" My New Testament notes were decorated with a woodland scene (pine trees, various ugly wildlife). Susan Bones portraiture. "Fleur: you need to let her grow on you."

I don't expect anyone else would appreciate most of the contents of this notebook -- an amino acid note to myself, lots of song lyric scribbles, that embarrassing page where among other things I practiced variations on "Casey" (Sammy+Casey 4evah), and my rough drafts that never saw the light (and some that did). Well, even trying to write about why it's so special to me is a struggle. I just have begun to feel, looking at it, that if anything this notebook describes me.

And if I could do my description of it justice, I'd be closer to describing myself.


"Whatever You Want" ~ Vienna Teng

[Okay! I can't just leave my last line like that. It sounds nice but I can't just tie things neatly like that without feeling stupid and pretentious. So, at least know that I know it sounds funny.]