to be blind, only my hands to guide me

Last night I was trying to get to sleep (verdict on new mattress: really not a fan) and remembered that when I was a kid (sleeping in perhaps that same bed), I would try and bury my face in my pillow at night. Why? Because one day at the library my teacher and another grownup were talking about how if there was a nuclear bomb, the light would be so bright it would blind us in our sleep. So I would hide my eyes to try and prevent that from occurring.

Even now, I would much rather be vaporized instantly than have to live blind. My sight is precious to me, maybe because it is the physical feature that is most in jeopardy.

On Friday Mom and I went to the LASIK doctor. We watched a movie about the procedure and had a bunch of tests that were very hard for me because I had to keep my eyes open. I blink a lot, especially while wearing glasses, which I had to wear all week in preparation for this appointment. We also did the letter-reading, with dilation and without. I am a much less than ideal ophthalmology patient, because not only do I blink a lot (turns out I have dry eyes), I am photophobic and I hate eyedrops.

I'm also a much less than ideal candidate for LASIK. My eyesight is so very bad, my eye so very long, my cornea so very thin, that it just wouldn't work. In fact, I have ... well, there's a word the doctor used to describe it that I can't remember (it had 'high' in it somewhere), and he also said, "We don't like to call it this, but it's also known as pathological myopia." So I have pathological myopia. And they refuse to do LASIK for me.

Since, you know, I needed another reason to avoid contact sports, they also told me that my eyes are in danger of retinal detachment (which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like). This pleases me, for I have never really liked contact sports (this is like lacrosse, right? And soccer and football and a really aggressive game of ultimate frisbee?) and it turns out that my dislike is founded in a subconscious knowledge that it would be really dangerous for me. Who wants to go blind from a tackle?

I'm still reconciling myself to the fact that my eyesight will just continue to get worse as I get older, but I think it will be okay. I love being able to see what I can (and since it's morning and I haven't put my contacts in yet, it's somewhat less than usual) and I hope everyone appreciates their ability to view the world around them.

"Now Three" ~ Vienna Teng