feather moon, starlit sky, dead of night, my blinded eye

My roommates commented the other night that various things about my blog seem emo -- namely, my title and subject lines. I'm not an emo person. I promise. I'm a generally happy person.

Just not today.

Yesterday when I walked to school, the stars were still out. Nice and bright. I picked out Orion and the Big Dipper (the only constellations I can actually identify). When I walked home from school last night, the stars were out.

The reason for this? My Mentored Lab Techniques class. I've never hated a class so much.

Basically, what I do is try and follow lab protocol and get the right results. Have I ever managed to get the right results? Never. But I always keep trying. I spend hours and hours in the lab, doing and redoing all the various steps.

All in vain, of course.

But that's not the worst of it. I sort of realized last night/this morning that this class will probably ruin my life more fundamentally than a failing grade and a possible non-graduation.

See, I spend a lot of time around ethidium bromide. EtBr for short, this molecule intercalates between the bases of DNA (which makes it a great gel stainer). If you touch it, it can intercalate between the bases of your DNA. It causes mutations. Since I'm just a tiny bit reckless (I do try to be careful, but I do silly things like wear my gloves to not get it on my skin, then use my gloves on my computer, then later on take off my gloves and still use my computer) I'm certain I've been very exposed to EtBr.

I'm going to get cancer.

Worst of all, I think, is if it goes and gets in my oocytes and mutates them. That means that I will have mutated children.

Dang it, I'm crying again. I've been crying all day.

I also have carpal tunnel. At least, I think I do. My wrists hurt a lot, at any rate. The lab work requires a lot of little intense turning things -- changing the pipets, opening the autoclave, and ... other things. today my wrists are so stiff I can hardly type -- I'm going to have to mark at voice lessons, and that makes me feel bad for the singers. I can't keep doing this.

What would make a good name for this disease I have where I cry for no reason? Lachrymosia? Lachrymosis? Ooh, I like that one.

I want to have beautiful, healthy, normal children. I want to play piano. I don't want to work in a lab all my life.

title from "Feather Moon" - Vienna Teng