lost in the shadow

My coworker told me a while ago that I don't hold grudges. I just get annoyed for a few minutes, then it's forgotten.

(Sometimes it's longer than a few minutes--more like months! But I at least make the effort.)

Generally that's right. I discovered after holding a grudge against a boy from 6th-8th grade that he wasn't even aware of my disdain, and my bitter feelings were only hurting me. So since then I've been a lot less grudgy.

But Hymn #223 has proved to me that I am not fully grudge-free! Every time we sing it, and especially when I play it, I am reminded of an occasion in freshman year that I still have not gotten over.

We were in Relief Society. Someone was at the piano. One of the girls asked if we could sing "Have I Done Any Good?"

The pianist responded, "No way. I'm not playing that. I very much doubt anyone here could play that hymn." (When retelling the story, I tend to make her voice a little snottier than it actually was [what am I saying, I never retell this story], but it was still pretty dismissive.)

Now, of course, I could play that hymn. I loved that hymn. But her tone of voice combined with my lack of confidence in myself stilled my tongue. I mean, what was I supposed to say? "No, I totally can. Sorry you're not good enough to manage advanced hymns! Get off that bench, it's time for a real pianist to step in."

Yeah, no. I just thought it.

Unfortunately this was at the beginning of the year, which meant that I spent the entire year begrudging that girl her undeserved seat at the piano. And ever since then, every time that hymn gets played, I think to that girl, "Looks like someone can play it."

This story came to mind because we sang #223 for sacrament meeting yesterday. Also, I played the hymn for devotional this morning (and I played it very well).

And I decided to tell it in case anyone thought I didn't have enough flaws. I've been struggling with this for years and years, you guys.

Moral of the story: Be careful whose talents you're dismissing. (Right? That's totally the takeaway message here!)

(Title Text: St. Stephen's Cross)