a one-man shift in the weather

Last week I went to the doctor. As we discussed -- okay, wait.

I have this thing where I just jump straight in to what I'm talking about. Is that a big problem for you, dear reader? I'm working on not doing it in emails, since that's pretty rude, but I only just noticed the problem in my blog posts. I could start in after a nice little salutation paragraph or something. Let me know if you really care.

Okay. Last week I went to the doctor. As we discussed how I'm doing, and feeling, I noticed kind of a trend. Let me show you a couple examples.

"How are your teeth? Chemo can impact your enamel," the doctor said.**

"Yep, I have cavities," I replied. "But ... I've always had cavities!" Pretty much since my first visit to the dentist.

"How about your eyesight?"

"Fine. Well, I have, whatsit, pathological myopia, so . . . I'm as fine as that goes."

"Okay. You should know that you're more at risk for retinal detachment due to your treatment."

"Yeah, the eye doctor already told me no contact sports." I shrugged. Clearly the loss of rugby stardom has really got me down.

And so on. It almost seems to me that this whole thing has just accentuated aspects of myself. It makes my eyesight worse? Been there, done that. Cavities? Par for the course! No contact sports? I've been scared of the ball my whole life.

So here's where we get a little existential. Metaphysical? I don't know; I'm one of those people that just throws out cool-sounding words without bothering to make sure I'm using them right. But philosophically, you guys, what if it's accentuating everything about me?? What if I was already lazy and the treatment just made me more so? (Actually, that's not so much a what if.) What if I always had weird brown spots on my skin and the treatment just made them more visible? What if I was always cynical about friendship? What if I was always secretly a big smiler?

Pretty weird, huh?

"Hope on Fire"


**On a totally random side note, I've been writing a Doctor Who fanfiction for the past couple months. It's second nature now for me to write "the Doctor said" instead of not capitalizing it. But I changed it because, cool as that would be, David Tennant is not my chemo doctor.

forgive me the confusion

Sometimes I chat with people and I use emoticons they don't know. Or we use the same emoticons and they mean totally different things! So here's what a bunch of them mean to me:

>.>
<.<
Shifty eyes! When I'm being devious, or sneaky, or shifty. First one's looking right, then left. Usually I just use one, unless I'm being extra shifty.

@.@
I don't really agree with this one (I mean, how I use it). I'm rolling my eyes here. I kind of like the idea of being hypnotized or crazy or whatnot, but hypnosis doesn't come up a lot in my conversations, which I guess means I need to have some new conversations.

O.O
Shocked.

o.O
Weirded out.

-___-
Not. Amused.

Those are about all the emoticons I use. I know others, but have no reason to use them ever (besides the ever-basic paransmilies, a term I think I will start using a lot).


Now, as for interjections, here is how I use various common ones:

Aw
Cute, sad, sympathy, etc.

Aaaa
Screaming! Also allowed with an h (Aaah).

Ah
Like aha, but classier. Sudden understanding or idea, pronounced like the a in father.

Ooh
This is the one for seeing cool things. Ooh, I like it.

Ohh
When I finally get it. Like, Ohhh, right.

Heh
Kind of like saying, "Oh, you're very funny." Among other things I can't itemize at the moment...

Hee
Amused.

/any action here
So, I don't know a lot of html. I can do links, I can format, that's about it. But I do know that a slash signals the end of the formatting. If I'm done with a rant, /rant. If I'm done gushing about something, /gushing. If I'm done with a story, /story. Make sense?


The main point of this post, besides to help people understand me, is so other people can start using all of these words correctly too! Now that I've helped you all out you can stop using them wrong.

*ahem*

Yeah, just being a little passive-aggressive OCD here, move right along. I'll talk about something real later.


"Momentum"

she leaves the papers in a tidy pile

My yellow notebook has exactly one blank page left in it. I've had it for years -- since Fall Semester 2006, the earliest I can confirm a date. And there's approximately one page of class notes (half page from one class, half page from another a year or so later), besides the piano lesson comments.

I love it. I love leafing through it and feeling the memories.

The other night I had it with me (working on filling up those last few pages) and left it unattended on the floor, surrounded by children. I had a moment's worry when I realized that I'd placed it in danger of being seen, but I'm not ashamed of a single thing there!

Okay, maybe I am. But the secret things are written backward, so they're totally safe.

The notebook represents many hours of work. I could turn to a page and know exactly where I was when I was working on something -- physics class, one of the hillocks outside the MARB, a bench in the Tanner Building....

My favorite parts are the doodles and asides to myself. There's a little picture of a great grass elevator. "We need a strong base: sodium methoxide!" My New Testament notes were decorated with a woodland scene (pine trees, various ugly wildlife). Susan Bones portraiture. "Fleur: you need to let her grow on you."

I don't expect anyone else would appreciate most of the contents of this notebook -- an amino acid note to myself, lots of song lyric scribbles, that embarrassing page where among other things I practiced variations on "Casey" (Sammy+Casey 4evah), and my rough drafts that never saw the light (and some that did). Well, even trying to write about why it's so special to me is a struggle. I just have begun to feel, looking at it, that if anything this notebook describes me.

And if I could do my description of it justice, I'd be closer to describing myself.


"Whatever You Want" ~ Vienna Teng

[Okay! I can't just leave my last line like that. It sounds nice but I can't just tie things neatly like that without feeling stupid and pretentious. So, at least know that I know it sounds funny.]

all my books are lying useless now

I thought this would be a slow month. We spent a week in Mexico where I did no reading to speak of, and I'd only read 5 books by the middle of the month.

Well, then my mother took me along with her to the library. I ended up getting ... a lot of books.

April
45. Cosmic by Frank Cottrell Boyce
46. Stuck on Earth by David Klass
47. The Great Turkey Walk by Kathleen Karr
48. All Things Bright and Beautiful by James Herriot
49. Incarceron by Catherine Fisher
50. Wild Magic by Tamora Pierce
51. Melting Stones by Tamora Pierce
52. Soul Music by Terry Pratchett
53. Aunt Dimity and the Next of Kin by Nancy Atherton
54. Aunt Dimity: Vampire-Hunter by Nancy Atherton
55. Men at Arms by Terry Pratchett
56. Maskerade by Terry Pratchett
57. The Dark Days of Hamburger Halpin by Josh Berk
58. Northward to the Moon by Polly Horvath
59. Wolf Speaker by Tamora Pierce
60. Emepror Mage by Tamora Pierce
61. The Realms of the Gods by Tamora Pierce

...yeah. It was fun times, but now I'm sick of reading! (Until I die of boredom from not having anything to do while I eat.)


"Nothing Without You"

let go of this when you find her

Remember my last post where I got all possessive?

I've been cured! Mostly! By the solution which I already knew:

I talked to her. We had a nice little conversation and I decided it was cute instead of annoying when, after he got to class and was sitting by her, he asked her a question that was so ... like the kind of question you ask someone when you're thinking of starting to like them. (Or you already like them. I don't know; they don't talk to me about their feelings.)

Awww. I may have been guilty of rolling my eyes, but at least I didn't rip anything.

Now my heart's all jumpy imagining someone asking me that same question. Hahaha.

If I'd done what I should've done long ago (switch classes back so I was in their class), this wouldn't have been an issue. I would've been a way happier person in general. I don't know why I keep fighting against these things until it's too late to do me any good.

Someday I'll learn.


"Kansas" ~ Vienna Teng

this feeling calls for

Last weekend I had an insight that has made me reflect on my emotions more analytically (which, as a person that is frightened of feelings, has been great).

I was in Relief Society (probably) and for some reason was feeling really sorry for myself. I felt my heart curl tightly in on itself, self-piteously.

Then that night was a really great fireside. I felt the Spirit, felt emboldened to do better, and my heart expanded in love for myself and my fellow man, and God who blesses me with so many things. I thought, "This is great!"

But after the fireside, during refreshments, he was talking to her. I don't even care that he doesn't talk to me, but does he have to talk to her? She's the only one he ever talks to; she monopolizes him. I talked to my friends and had a nice time, but I glanced over every once in a while and once he was laughing. How could she possibly be funny enough to make him laugh?

Obviously, my jealous/possessive side was coming out. It does that, embarrassingly, even with people that I don't really care about. If I feel I have a prior claim of any kind (in this case, it was ... a neighborly claim) then other claims have to somehow clear it with me. It's so stupid.

Anyway, every time I looked over there my heart would do the tiniest of clenches, hardening and dwelling on "Why her? Why not someone of my choosing?"

See where this is going?

Negative emotions like jealousy, self-pity, anger, are because my heart is turned in toward itself, toward me. I'm happier when I focus on others, and help them out, or feel the Spirit. Et cetera. So this week I've tried to pay attention to whether or not my heart is curling up, or blooming out.

How do I make myself less piteous, or jealous, or angry? By doing things that will make my heart expand.

The challenge, however, is to follow through.


"Stray Italian Greyhound"

no gringo aqui: you've stayed in this land for too long

Last week my family (minus the engaged one) went to Cancun, Mexico! Usually our vacations entail getting a motel in southern Utah and hiking around for a day, but we branched out for once this year. Here's a bit of into about what went on there...

...Cosmetically: The humidity and especially the sea air made my hair so unbelievably curly. On one occasion I took a shower and to blow dry my hair just sat outside on the balcony, where the breeze took care of it. Now that I'm back it's so sleek I can't do a thing with it. I also didn't wear any makeup on the whole trip. It wasn't nearly as bad as this makeup-free week but I was still looking forward to putting on some mascara for church on Sunday. No sunburn to speak of, except for the back of my legs from snorkeling. It ran in the family!

...Linguistically: Being surrounded by people that would talk Spanish to each other brought to the surface one of my bad habits: talking like them. I started saying "Si" all the time instead of "Yeah" or "Yes." And "Bueno". I always winced when I did it in front of the Mexicans, especially when they started talking to me in Spanish and I'd have to really stop for a second to figure out what they said -- I've never had a class. So that was embarrassing, but at least not as embarrassing as the time I slipped some twang into my speech in front of a Texan missionary at the LRC. Or maybe it was that embarrassing.

...Oceanically: We did spend some time in the ocean. At the hotel the red flags were almost always up so we couldn't get in the water there, but when we went snorkeling we were swimming ad nauseum. Mom and I both felt so sick at the end of that. But it was cool! You can see underwater! And one time we did get to go to the beach and get in the water. I was frightened of the undertow but the rest of the family sure had a blast in the waves. And the water was a really pretty blue.

...Excitingly: I'm not a ruins person. Too much walking in the bright sun (without sunglasses). But I do seem to be a ziplining person! But not a diving person. This whole 'I'm not into adventure' thing is nothing new.

...Gastronomically: We only had "typical" Mexican food twice and one of them was definitely made for tourists. After the first day touring ruins I was pretty much resigned to going hungry all week, but we didn't starve. I've definitely enjoyed being back in my house with a kitchen to make and eat food whenever I want, though. Another reason I'm not a big vacation person.

It was a good vacation, but I couldn't live that way, even if I did speak the language. How refreshing to find that out!


"No Gringo"

trace all my books

The month of March started out really strong, but then I slowed down a lot. The reason for this is easily identified: we got a couple seasons of Doctor Who from the library. Those took my time instead of whatever books I would've read.

That said, I still read plenty this month. Observe:

March
30. The Best Bad Luck I ever Had by Kristin Levine
31. The Death-Defying Pepper Roux by Geraldine McCaughrean
32. Sword of Waters by Hilari Bell
33. The Genie Scheme by Kimberly K. Jones
34. Shield of Stars by Hilari Bell
35. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows
36. The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Perilous Journey by Trenton Lee Stewart
37. The World According to Bertie by Alexander McCall Smith
38. Green by Laura Peyton Roberts
39. Graceling by Kristin Cashore
40. The Lost Children by Carolyn Cohagan
41. The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley
42. A Conspiracy of Kings by Megan Whalen Turner
43. Hattie Big Sky by Kirby Larson
44. My One Hundred Adventures by Polly Horvath

I left off reading a couple books this month, too. One got taken back to the library and I didn't mind, and the other one was just really, really stupid. Oh, and another one I spent some time reading I'd read so many times that I felt no qualms about stopping when I found something else to read.

Also, now that we're done quarter of the year, let's look at some stats!

Total number of books: 44
Average number of books per month: 14.67
Number of Rereads (books I'd read before this year): 10
Number of First Time Reads: 34

Not bad! Have a nice day.

if this were my last glimpse of winter

Sorry I haven't posted all month. I just haven't had anything I wanted to say.

But I accomplished something today!

I woke up this morning and it was snowing. That's nothing new; this is Cache Valley, after all, and it's still March. The exciting thing was what seeing the snow falling on the world, starting to white out the edges, did to me.

I walked to the piano, and for the first time in my life, played this song:



I even got the key right! It was a little bit low for me with this cold but I've ended up playing/singing this song pretty much every time I look out the window. I have to stop whatever I'm doing and find the nearest piano.

Granted, I don't have all the notes; but the fact that I was able to figure out the chord progression is softening the blog of this last snowfall for me.


"The Last Snowfall" ~ Vienna Teng

all my books are

I didn't do any reading at all this past weekend, during which I would usually have read another book or so. But I still had an enjoyable month with my reading choices!

February
15. Wings by Aprilynne Pike
16. The Last Knight by Hilari Bell
17. Rogue's Home by Hilari Bell
18. Player's Ruse by Hilari Bell
19. The Ever Breath by Julianna Baggott
20. Paper Towns by John Green
21. The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox
22. Love Over Scotland by Alexander McCall Smith
23. Jovah's Angel by Sharon Shinn
24. The Scarlet Pimpernel by Baroness Orczy
25. Crown of Earth by Hilari Bell
26. War Games by Audrey and Akila Coloumbis
27. When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead
28. Geektastic edited by Holly Black and Cecil Castellucci
29. Aunt Dimity Down Under by Nancy Atherton


"Nothing Without You"